Finding Your Beauty

There you are in the mirror, as you are every morning.  Looking average.  Looking tired and puffy.  Looking blemished, wrinkled, age-spotted.  How would life be if you were Helen of Troy, the sort of beauty who men and gods start wars over? Or perhaps if you were just that one girl in the office, who always looks as though the clothes she’s wearing were designed especially for her?  Who looks like she should be on a magazine cover, not down the hall.  Zipping up your makeup bag, you abandon the fantasy.  There you are still, looking like yourself - with makeup.

Understand Why

Despite what we’d like to believe, it wasn’t so long ago that a pretty face helped ensure survival for a woman.  Today, we don’t depend on snaring a mate to provide for and protect us in the world.  Still, valuing physical attractiveness, especially in women, is embedded deep within our evolutionary selves.

Think back to your childhood.  Think of the messages you received around beauty.  When you were pretty were you taken pictures of, shown off, given treats?  Were women of value described as beautiful?  In the movies you watched, what were the heroines like?  Was looking nice associated with love and approval? 

Give yourself permission

It’s okay to want safety. It’s okay to want love and approval.  It’s okay to want beauty. It’s okay to be human. In the quest to be the best human you can be, the first step is humanity.  

Feel compassionately insecure

If you struggle with not feeling beautiful enough, giving yourself permission to wish for beauty is bound to unlock feelings of being unbeautiful and insecure.  It doesn’t feel good, but it isn’t actually a new feeling.  Do you see that it’s been lying under the surface all the time, avoiding being seen?  Now it’s in front of you.  Let yourself feel compassionate toward these feelings, just as you would for a child or best friend who was insecure.  Let yourself feel emotional, know that you’re normal and in good company.  Give yourself a hug.  Now that you can see your feelings, you can start nurturing them into feeling better.  

Create a better standard

Once upon a time, the most beautiful woman a person had seen in his or her life was probably a nice looking girl in the village. She may have had glossy hair and a new dress, but did she wear makeup?  Did she have a curling iron?  She certainly didn’t have a personal trainer, a beautician, or photoshop. Now, instead of comparing ourselves to the other women of our tribe or village or town, we measure ourselves against models and celebrities - people whose full time job is to look beautiful.  And we don’t see one or two of these professional beauties in a lifetime, we see them over and over, everyday. Their superhuman, touched up images are everywhere we look.

So did Helen of Troy look like a model on a magazine cover?  Or could you give her a run for her money freshly showered, dressed your best, glowing with excellent modern nutrition, and a touch of hair serum, coverup and lip gloss?

The primitive human part of you who craves to be seen as beautiful, also evolved to appreciate feminine beauty on a much more true and simple scale. 

Appreciate the beauty in others

Let’s re-learn what beauty really is by appreciating it in others.  You’ve been shown what you “should” think is beautiful your whole life. Now begin discovering what you actually find beautiful.  Look for it in real people. Begin with the beauties of your village.  Think to yourself, “If she were fetching water from the watering hole right now, what would be noticeable?”  Practice re-wiring your concept of feminine beauty by finding a little beauty in every woman you see, not just the ones who look most like the models you were raised to admire.  Remember that the standard of societal beauty varies dramatically by culture and over time, so you can’t depend on external messages to help you understand what authentic beauty truly is. Let yourself slowly discover the rich and varied palette of what looking beautiful really means.

Start with one small thing about yourself

For many of us, it’s easier to appreciate others than ourselves.  It may be easy to appreciate beautiful noses of 100 kinds on other faces, but not your own.  That’s okay.  What’s the one thing about yourself you can truly find beautiful as it is, without convincing yourself too hard?  Are your eyelashes dark?  Are they thick? Do your eyes change color in a mysterious way?  Is your hair soft?  Are your hands delicate?  Are your nails naturally long?  Is your belly button shaped nicely? Do you walk with a bit of a fun sashay? Do you have a warm smile? White teeth?  Is your voice unique? Find one of your bits of beauty and remind yourself of it when you’re feeling compassionately insecure.  Practice saying it to yourself. “I have beautiful eyes.”  

Spend time appreciating the aspects of beauty you personally possess, and let your mind begin learning to see what is in your glass of beauty, rather than what isn’t.  Your security will grow, you’ll gain confidence, and soon you’ll not only look beautiful, but radiate the kind of secure and confident beauty that draws and inspires people.